Well today is another day!

Today is another day!!!! I am not so bitter today, still a little hurt but not bitter bout my family!!!!

Then this morning I get on my fb and someone that I have been trying to help raise money for cancer has just slapped me in the damn face, well her husband did i guess you would say. That just really pissed me off, I was really mad at first, like blowing smoke out of my ears ............then I just don't care!!!!

I have vowed to myself that I will not help another person in this world!!!! I have had some help but not that much. I try my best to help everyone, it is my nature but I have got to stop cause its killing me when I get slapped in the face like that!

Me and my husband didn't talk at all last night when we he home from work, I slept on the couch and I have no clue where he slept!!!! I was not mad at him but I did shut down and didnt' want to talk to anyone at all!!!! So he took that personal just like he always does!

The boys have been racking my nerves for 2 weeks now but today I think they might be a little better or at least I hope so!

One of these days, just maybe I might get my teeth fixed and get a new lead on life! but until then I will stay here in my house all bottled up and depressed and this blog is the only person I have to talk to bout it, pretty sad huh lol. 

oh well , till later today!!!!!

Scew it

I am not going to lie.... I am flat out misserable even though it has only been a couple of hours since I have stopped talking to my family! Guess i will just take some meds and crash, either tomorrow will be better or worse or God will finally take us home!!!!

Loosing your own mother!!!!

I think it is even harder to loose someone in your life that means so much to you without them being dead... You know they are there, but you know there is nothing there as far as feelings anymore. I know my mother loves me cause she has to but I also know that I have disapointed to her so much that all the love she should have is no longer there! I wish it were, I wish times could go back to just a month ago.

Now that im having such a bad day, I don't want to talk to anyone not even my own husband, so no he has decided to go down to his mothers I guess till its time to go to bed, but I will already be asleep by then!

I just don't know what to do in life anymore, everything has just turned so confusing and NOBODY thinks that I can have a bad day without getting pissed off at me! I am so tired of making everyone happy and trying to please everyone!

Anyone that knows me knows that family is my everything, and in one day basically I lost my everything! FOREVER!!! But it was my choice cause im tired of being second best and playing cat and mouse just to get someone to talk to me! I know I don't have a phone right now and I know you hate texting but if that is the only way to keep in touch with your daughter you would think you would do it anyways! But oh well, Im tired of writing bout this stupid shit! everyone in this world that matters is just pissed off at me and right now I really do not give a shit to tell you the truth! Bout to call it a night and hope maybe just maybe tomorrow will be 100% better, but hey we are talking bout my life lol!!!!

UNTIL TOMORROW, WE WILL SEE WHAT KIND OF DRAMA WE WILL HAVE!

Wont be able to do anything but play outside in the water cause our power is getting turned off cause they wouldn't take some of the payment but I will get it back on Friday, hey there is another screwed up think in my life woohoo!

And as far as my photography, there isn't anyone wanting anything, I guess there are way better people out there now so thinking bout giving it up for good! why keep killing myself over it when there is nothing coming of it!

This is how I feel now! If my heart is going to hurt this bad after leaving my family then I just don't want my heart anymore! Someone else can have it! I found this photo and thought that it fit me perfect right now! I just sucks cause im hurting so bad from this bs that I can't even focus on my own family! But in due time this will pass just like everything else does, although i will always think about my family! and i will always love them all, I just know that I am a more of a burden then a pleasure for them to be around right now!

The day I told my family it was over!

Well me and my family have never had a good relationship. and today i have finally let them go, as hard as it was i did it, I can't keep focusing on what everyone thinks bout me or what everyone wants/expects of me. This is the hardest thing that I have ever done and will probably have to ever do but its done! I hate this so much, but like I said it has just come to that time. I know they have grown away from me and they are embarrassed of me. Im tired of hurting them even though I really do not understand what I have done all of these years to them.

It all started about when I turned 13, since then I have never lived up to what they wanted/needed from me in life. I have tried my hardest but it just never matters! We have our fights just like every other family I guess but in my family its not that easy to over come. When you piss them off there is no return and if they actually let you then you have hell to pay for years!

Yes I am not the perfect parent with my two boys but I do the best I can do, and its alot better than some other parents in this world! I just don't know anymore to tell you the truth but I just can't do it anymore!

untill next time, good bye!